Adapted from: Ron Kraybill, Conciliation Quarterly, Fall 1988.
Explanation
Loving Relationship. Relationship satisfaction in the beginning of a marriage is almost always
high. This is why people get married in the first place. They love each other and want to be
together. (If only things could stay this ways says Marriage Counseling Fort Myers FL).
Injury. At some point in time, an injury to the relationship occurs. If you the two of you live
long enough, this is bound to happen. There is a disappointment. There is a violation of trust.
There is a hidden secret revealed. Whatever it may be, conflict in the relationship emerges and
emotions, such as anger and sadness, come to the fore.At this juncture, the injured spouse may,
in fact, begin to verbally attack the other spouse.
Avoidance. One or both of the spouses begin to avoid one another. The pain of engagement, at
least at the moment, is too great. If the injury is a repeating one, emotional detachment may
begin. (Couples that are fighting and still engaged are easier to help then those couples who are
disengaged, says Marriage Counseling Bonita Springs FL).
Introspection. Doubt may enter the mind of one or both spouses as to the quality and long-term
viability of the relationship. “Did I marry the right person” is a common thought. At the same
time, the husband or wife may also come to see that their own words or actions have contributed
to the problem.
Internal Commitment to Working It Out. This may come quickly or after much deliberation, but
the point comes when each spouse, particularly the injured one, is ready to reengage. There is a
renewed commitment to work things out and get the relationship back on the right track.
Risking Reconnection. A conciliatory gesture would typically be made by the offending spouse.
If there has been an internal commitment to restore the relationship by both partners, the couple
will resume their relationship in peace. The injured spouse can also reach out with the same goal
of reconciliation in mind.
Points to Keep In Mind
1. Each spouse may be at different points in the circle, notes Marriage Counseling Naples FL.
Patience will be needed as they communicate with each other.
2. When our emotions flare up, our objective reasoning typically goes down. Nevertheless, our
emotions (“I feel…”) are spontaneous and natural and should be expressed early on as each
spouse tells his or her story.
3. Martial mediation is not only an effective process to resolve marital conflict, but it also holds
the promise of restoring our interpersonal relationships.
If you need help with your marriage and you live in SWFL, that is, Estero, Cape Coral, Punta
Gorda, Marco Island, Fort Myers, Naples, or Bonita Springs FL, contact Dr. Ken Newberger,
Ph.D., Conflict Analysis and Resolution. See his website: MarriageCounselingAlt.com or call
him direct for a free phone consultation at 239-689-4266.
